Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dealing with Insecurity

After my overreaction Friday night we had a good conversation about how we feel. I explained how I felt, at least I tried. You know how it is when you think about something, have it clear in your head, then kind of ramble when you try to explain it? Actually it's kind of like that previous sentence. 

As for the jealousy, she has seen me at my worst. About eighteen years ago when we were dating, I was spending the night at her place. While we were in bed, one of her close girlfriends at the time called and I answered the phone. I hadn't even got a word out when she started telling me how Rebecca was still in love with her former boyfriend, and that I should do them all a favor and step aside. This of course ruined our evening, and turned me into a bit of a green eyed monster. I began checking her phone bills to see if she was talking to him. It took some time for me to lose the paranoia.

Regarding Friday night, I told her there were a few factors that got to me, including the fact that it was late at night, and everything is always worse in my mind late at night.  In the future, I think I'll just masturbate and go to sleep. I told her that it was her quick denial about checking her email. Looking back in the light of day, I find it exciting that she was checking so often, although the excitement comes with a slight flipflop in my stomach. It's really difficult to describe. 

We talked, and talked some more. I'm happy we can communicate like this. I told her she doesn't need to be shy about anything she says or does, and that she can be completely open with me. At the same time, I do have some insecurities about losing her and the best thing she can do is provide her usual reassurance. Oddly enough, if she told me she wanted to fuck G's brains out, I would get instantly hard and take her to bed. As long as we can talk I'm cool.

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