Back from Mexico

We're back after a week in the sun with the kids in Mexico. We all had a good time and the kids are getting easier to travel with. Having said that, Rebecca and I will have to take a short trip with just her and I someday soon.

The hotwife fantasy was more less on hold, although it did come up almost daily in conversation. One day as the kids played in the pool, we sat watching and discussed why things went wrong with G. Rebecca told me she didn't really view the opportunity with him as something she would ever act on. She was just practicing her flirting skills. It did establish some of my own limitations when it came to her and another man. The thought of her being physical with another man still turns me on more than anything. Where I fall apart is when it comes down to the emotional attachment she might experience.

It's interesting to note the difference in opinion she and I have when it comes to what constitutes being unfaithful. She believes "cheating" occurs when something physical happens and I  believe the physical aspect is irrelevant compared to the emotional side of things. While now I'm sure she didn't intentionally hold things back from me with G, I told her how I feel that the act of withholding info is the same as lying about it. I think we're on the same page now, although I think she still finds it difficult to understand how I can be turned on so much by her telling me about another man. I can't explain it either.
The second night were were there, we had several margaritas with some new Mexican friends of ours. Rebecca was definitely feeling the tequila. She commented jokingly to me a couple times about  her not getting to do what she wanted, which I guess still shows some promise.

To summarize where we are now, I wanted to reiterate to her that she has my permission to have fun if she feels she can keep it as a pure turn on sexually,  and control the emotional aspect of it all. I know.. It's a tall order.. for us both.

In the meantime, we're still having fun. We were at the kid's soccer tonight and she was texting V who is in town. He invited her out for drinks, but she told him she needs more notice. He asked her what he was supposed have done... call her in Mexico? She replied that that would have worked. (she's really good at this game.) He replied, telling her where he would be. I'm sure he's out somewhere with his friends with one eye on the door, hoping she'll change her mind. I can't blame him, though, after spending a week watching her in her bikini, frolicking in the sun. The following pics are just a sample of the beauty I had the pleasure of experiencing.

Strolling by the pool...

 Riding a Dolphin

You might recognize this ensemble from her boudoir shoot. She wore her booty shorts and the transparent t-shirt quite freely. 

 

I just can't resist her. When I would comment on  how good she looked, she would ask me if she was "delicious". (A reference to one of the earlier comments on this blog.) I would have to say, "delicious" is a perfect way of describing her.

Sex on this vacation was a little limited due to sheer exhaustion (kids, etc.) but the few instances were great. I did miss out on a great opportunity that afternoon/evening after Rebecca had a couple too many margaritas by the pool. She started making HW innuendos but I'm afraid the tequila hit her hard before I could get the kids to sleep. Near the end of trip, we were alone in bed and as we were kissing, I told her to pretend that we were making out and she was trying to control my wandering hands. It eventually turned into a fantasy session where I was the other man, and she was eventually convinced to let me into her a little at a time. First the head of my cock, then a little more at a time until I was buried inside of her.  I eventually "convinced" her to let me come inside of her even though she knew she was ovulating. I talked the dirty talk of sending her back home to her husband knocked up. She came hard.

It was a great vacation with an exquisite woman. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have her.

TGIF

Well, it's Friday and Rebecca is meeting G for lunch. I can already hear the collective "gasp", but she's meeting him to break things off. Perhaps "cool" things off is a better word, since nothing technically happened.

Things are very good between her and I.  On the way in, we had a short discussion about her meeting him. I told her I didn't want to put words in her mouth, but I said my only worry was that he might view this like she's trapped in her marriage and that they're "star-crossed" lovers, and continue pining over her. She said, this is definitely not the case, as this was just a game to her, and she's quite certain it was to him as well.

She mentioned it was like her college days when she would play this game and string several men along. I told her the difference was I never wanted to be a mere player in the game. I wanted to make the rules, I wanted to be on her team.

I predicted that he's not going to give up that easily. I told her I could see him attempting to engage my firm to do some work for him, just to have some connection. She laughed and said that she thinks I would like him. I answered a bit too quick by saying I doubt it. Maybe I would have liked him in person.

That lack of communication is really where my issues lie. I believe now that if her and I had been meeting him together, this all may have been different but I shied away from the whole MFM thing for several reasons. First of all, I thought it would have been too weird for her, and I wanted her to feel comfortable exploring this side of herself. Secondly, there was the whole gay angle. I thought if she able to do this without me, we would avoid the whole straight man/ straight man discomfort. She always says I think too much about things.

In hindsight(again) I think I really needed to be with her so we could do this as a couple, and maintain  and build our intimacy instead of giving it away to someone else.

We're heading on a family vacation to Mexico soon, so we can take it easy and just be together. I don't think we'll have regular internet access, which may be for the best, so I won't be updating for awhile.

If My Aunt Had Nuts...

Well, I've been thinking a lot where I went wrong in all of this. I'm sure Rebecca will say it was wrong to attempt this from the very start. HOH's comments on the differences between the cuckold and the hotwife lifestyles are pretty much bang on. I am definitely not cuckold material.

This all started several months ago when I learned about what a hotwife was. I read stories and books on how strong relationships got even stronger by the act of sharing your wife. I read about wives sharing their most intimate thoughts and desires with their husbands, and their husbands reciprocating leading to uniquely strong marriage.

I got excited when Rebecca started flirting with G, and sharing little bits of it with me. I hoped this would turn into one of those situations where she could be completely open with me about her feelings and desires. What I didn't see coming, and in hindsight I should have somehow been more specific with, was where the hotwife and cuckold paths start to diverge. By her nature, she isn't comfortable sharing her most intimate thoughts, even with me. By not sharing them, we unknowingly started down the cuckold path. I started feeling left out when I originally hoped this would make us closer. I started checking up on her. It all came to a head last night when I asked her directly if she had chatted with him during the day yesterday other than coffee. She didn't skip a beat and replied "no" when I already knew she had.

So the route we have taken has eroded my trust in her and made her to lie to me. It is irrelevant whether the chicken or the egg came first.

If I had been more patient, I would have set up these "rules" from the beginning and not tried to place them on her once she was already in a relationship. She can't separate feelings from sex, and wholeheartedly believes you shouldn't, so we may never have moved forward.

If.. well my dad always says "If my aunt had nuts, she'd be my uncle." which loosely translated means you can't do anything about it now. All you can do is move forward. We started that last night. After she got home, we had what I would consider our first "fight" in fifteen years, which lasted about five minutes. She said she never wanted this, and I apologized for pushing her down this path and we cried in each others arms until we fell asleep. We're doing our best to hit reset, and get back to where we were before.

Does this mean I'll keep my big mouth shut next time I have an excruciatingly tempting fantasy? I don't know. I do know that I still have my wife, and I'll never do anything to risk losing her (again). It also means this blog may be boring for the rest of you for awhile. Thank you JF, JR, Jay and HOH and anyone else who has been following.

Throwing Up

Okay, so I guess I don't have the intestinal fortitude I thought I needed for this. Today, Rebecca stayed home for the morning to volunteer at the girl's school for swimming lessons. This kept her from work until I could drop her off around 2:00pm. I then went back to work and worked until I had to pick our daughter up at 3:30pm. About the time I was picking up our daughter, G had convinced my wife to have coffee with him. She agreed and they had coffee.
On the way home after work, she told me about the date. I told her on the way home this is why we need  the rules. She said her only rule is that nothing will happen. I told her she's already breaking her own rule by meeting him so regularly. She's in denial.
When I got home, I went for a run in the rain/snow. As soon as my run was done, Rebecca had to go out to a PTA meeting. We haven't had much time to talk. I need to talk. I saw that she was online today in the morning during our daughter's swimming. She wasn't talking to me. Upon that realization, I ran to the toilet and threw up. She didn't mention that.
I don't get it.  I've read about marriages that develop the HW relationship where the wife loves her husband and they share everything. That's what I believe we could have had. Where is our honesty? Should I let this emotional affair continue and pray that she comes back to me? Should I put a stop to it now and have her resent me? Is this where the old cliche of setting her free comes in? I think I need to go to the washroom again.

Ground Rules?

The following is an email I sent to Rebecca yesterday. She read it last night in bed. I told her I didn't want any reaction or comment because I know she's not comfortable discussing things like this at the same pace as I am. That's okay, I just wanted her to read it and understand it.



Dear Sweets,

It's important to me that you spend some quiet time reading this without myself or the kids distracting you. I wanted to get it out there, since, as you know, I tend to think about these things. 

I understand that you may not be in the same frame of mind as me. I just want you to be prepared mentally, just in case you find yourself in a situation where things do start to move forward. 

Because I understand how men think, and I know you're shy about addressing these things, I thought I would suggest a few ground rules for you to lay out there for G (and for us). I'm going to get into a few things here that you may or may not have thought about, and they may make you a little uncomfortable, but I just think it's better I lay it out now, so we're on the same page.

Finally, after this very long introduction, a lot of the following is way beyond where we are now, and may very well be beyond where we will ever go,  but as such, it's easier for me to broach now. Bear with me.

1. He's in an unhappy marriage. That's a given. He's assuming that you are too. It should be made clear to him that you're actually very happy with your husband, and that you're not looking to find someone to replace me. Word it however you want, even mention that we have an "understanding" if you need to. I would avoid mentioning it's a one way arrangement, since it would give him too much info about us( and me in particular).

2. Any suggestion that he makes about you leaving me for him would be grounds for you to stop seeing him. It might help for him to know this in advance, so he avoids it.

3.The same goes for him falling in love with you. I can already hear you laughing about this, saying I'm crazy, but I know how wonderful you are. It will become apparent to him the more time you spend together. 

4. He should also know you won't stand for any derogatory comments about you and I, or me in particular. Hopefully, he's smart enough to recognize the opportunity to spend time with you (however small you view it) and respect it enough to be gratious.

5. I want you to have fun and enjoy being turned on by the thought of him wanting you. This means (and again you'll laugh), that if something physical starts to happen, you should let it if(and only if) you desire it. All I need is for you to share it with me as soon as possible afterwards. I'll be going crazy (in a good way) while you're on your date, and my relief will come when you're back in my arms and telling me how much you love me.

6. I know you would be shy about this sort of thing, and it's this shyness that would influence you to not tell me every detail. Believe me when I say how much I want to hear every detail... what you ordered, what the waiter said, if he touched your hand, arm, played footsies, whatever. Especially things like how you felt, if you wanted to kiss him, if you did...all of it. It's this detail that makes it enjoyable for me.

Please trust me when I promise you that I won't be upset at anything physical that happens as long as you share it with me.

7. This is one I know you'll definitely say I'm crazy for mentioning, but I may as well get it out there. I recognize we're in new territory here, and that I'm crazy for allowing or even wanting this. I love you for how stable you are, and I consider myself the luckiest man on earth to have won your love like I have.  But if, at any time,you at all start feeling any twinge of love for him or any other man, I would rely on your judgement to end it(with him, haha). Sorry, I know this isn't at all relevant, but I thought I should get it out there.

8. This one is important. If you ever feel like you want this to stop, or you want to take a break from this "freedom", just say the word. I'll understand and keep it as a fantasy. Again, I trust your judgement.

Finally, I have a couple of rules that I'll abide by. 

1. You have my word as your husband that I will never hold anything you do against you. I promise that in the future, if we're having a disagreement about anything, I will not bring any of this up. I love you and I accept this was my idea.

2. I'll never push you into anything you're not comfortable with. I trust your judgement better than my own, and I only want you to do what gives you pleasure. I am offering as much or as little freedom as you choose to exercise, guilt-free. You're an amazing wife, and you deserve it.

That's all I can think of for now. You may want to add a couple under my category.

I don't want to freak you out with this, I just wanted to get it out there. If you prefer, consider it "rules for a 30 year plan", or a "fantasy plan" that may never happen. I just wanted to lay it out there so you could chose to move forward, or not, at your own pace.

 I love you, always.

Me

I didn't want to overwhelm her, but I felt I needed to get that all out.

She's Got It.

G emailed Rebecca again while on his getaway. He must have been quite drunk, because his typing was horrible, and she said he's generally a good writer. He said that he knows where they're both coming from, which we assume to mean "unhappy marriages". If he only knew. He also wrote that he was surprised that she played like this. We assume he means the playful flirting over the email. In the same email he wondered aloud where things might go. 

She let him stew all day yesterday, not acknowledging his drunk email. It was me who finally said she needed to respond to him somehow. I told her I know what it feels like to be waiting for a response after sending a drunk message (What guy doesn't?)  Last night, before bed, she finally emailed him. She completely ignored his previous letter and simply asked him what he would say to her if he met her in a bar and was trying to pick her up. I told her jokingly that she's cruel, and that she's very good at playing this game. I also mentioned that it's interesting to be privy to this side of things. I used to be on the other end, not knowing what was going through the woman's mind.

He responded to her today by saying he's at the airport on the way back to town. He also, very directly invited her for lunch or coffee this Friday. He then finished the email by saying that in response to her question, he doesn't know what he would say to her, but he knows what he would "do to her". Wow. 

I told her that I'm more than fine with her going for lunch. She replied by saying that "yes, lunch is harmless." I told her at some point soon, he's going to make a move. He seems like the kind of man who doesn't wait too long moving forward. At the same time, Rebecca told me she's no home wrecker (He has a wife and kids). She has a fine line to tread. I thought maybe she might use this Friday to set the ground rules. She's a smart woman.

He appears very willing to take my wife to bed and she's attracted to him. I'm not sure where all this is going, but I had butterflies in my stomach all day thinking about how he signed off on his last email. This is the first time another man has told my wife so directly that he wants to do things to her.

Rebecca also seems to have a spring in her step. When we pass in the house, she'll grab me or make a sexy comment to me. This is certainly having an effect on her, and I'm the one currently reaping the benefits (as it should be, I guess).

Moving forward, I Friday is the next milestone. They're going for lunch, and I'm sure he'll be at his best. I'm excited for her to get attention like this. Shortly after that, we're heading to Mexico for a week with the kids. I think that sometime before Friday we should talk about some general guidelines ("rules" seems too strong a word) so she's comfortable with whatever happens. We have a lot to look forward to. We also have a lot to discuss. I'm pretty sure I'll be hard all week.

Dealing with Insecurity

After my overreaction Friday night we had a good conversation about how we feel. I explained how I felt, at least I tried. You know how it is when you think about something, have it clear in your head, then kind of ramble when you try to explain it? Actually it's kind of like that previous sentence. 

As for the jealousy, she has seen me at my worst. About eighteen years ago when we were dating, I was spending the night at her place. While we were in bed, one of her close girlfriends at the time called and I answered the phone. I hadn't even got a word out when she started telling me how Rebecca was still in love with her former boyfriend, and that I should do them all a favor and step aside. This of course ruined our evening, and turned me into a bit of a green eyed monster. I began checking her phone bills to see if she was talking to him. It took some time for me to lose the paranoia.

Regarding Friday night, I told her there were a few factors that got to me, including the fact that it was late at night, and everything is always worse in my mind late at night.  In the future, I think I'll just masturbate and go to sleep. I told her that it was her quick denial about checking her email. Looking back in the light of day, I find it exciting that she was checking so often, although the excitement comes with a slight flipflop in my stomach. It's really difficult to describe. 

We talked, and talked some more. I'm happy we can communicate like this. I told her she doesn't need to be shy about anything she says or does, and that she can be completely open with me. At the same time, I do have some insecurities about losing her and the best thing she can do is provide her usual reassurance. Oddly enough, if she told me she wanted to fuck G's brains out, I would get instantly hard and take her to bed. As long as we can talk I'm cool.

Lack of Sleep

Last night after my previous post, we had some amazing action, starting on the couch and eventually moving upstairs to our bedroom. On the couch I told her to close her eyes and pretend it was G's cock inside of her. For being near the end of her ovulation cycle, she was extremely wet. I don't know what came over me, but I told her to visualize him as we made love so she could tell him she was thinking of him as her husband was inside of her.

After three rounds, it was getting late, she still opened the computer and traded a couple of emails with him. He was out of town apparently barhopping, so there wasn't a lot of opportunity for him to chat. I was drifting in and out of sleep, and when I was awake at times, I noticed she would keep going back to her gmail page to refresh and see if he replied. I haven't found out if he did. Eventually she closed the laptop and I turned to her and said "no reply?". Without skipping a beat, she said she didn't know since she was just reading her gossip websites. As I lay beside her, I counted at least eight times where she refreshed her gmail screen. Keep in mind that only him and I have that address.

After that, I was wide awake wondering why she still feels the need to lie. I went downstairs and wrote the following email to her to get my thoughts out of my head.

Hi Sexy,
I'm just hanging out downstairs because I can't sleep. I couldn't
sleep even after three rounds of action.  Weird, especially for me.  I
know you were up pretty late as well, checking to see if G replied
to you.I brought the old iphone up to you so I wouldnt be tempted to
read what else you wrote. I was also awake when you typed and asked
him to tell you one thing. I'm okay with your excitement about this,
even though you won't admit how excited you are. It's evident when for
the first time, you weren't satisfied after our action tonight and you
were still seeking his words. I have read that this "new relationship
energy" is like a drug. I just want you to know that I'll be here for
you when it wears off.

All I ask in return is that you remain faithful to me by being honest
with me. You've never lied to me before, and I don't want you to think
you have to start now because you're becoming interested in another
man. All you had to do when I asked you if he replied to your email
was say no and that you really wanted hear from him tonight. Then
cuddle up to me and tell me you love me.

I love you, always

Me

G in the Lead

Today, Rebecca mentioned on the drive in to work that she had logged into her Gmail account. This was one I set up for her months ago so she would be able to email me privately. Up until a couple of months ago I had  been emailing her articles relating to the hotwife lifestyle (I hate the word "lifestyle"). Anyway, with her lack of interest/response, I had abandoned emailing her account. When I wanted to get her attention, I just would email her at work.

When she mentioned she had logged into it, I joked, half seriously, and asked if she had noticed that I had stopped emailing it a couple of months ago. When we arrived home after  late afternoon TGIF cocktails at our friends, I recalled that I had set up an old iphone of ours to be her own personal gmail phone. I had password locked it to one of her personal number combos so the kids wouldn't be able to use it and tossed it in a drawer.

When we arrived home from drinks, as I was making supper, I thought I would charge it and remind her that she had it to use as well (they use crackberries at work). Once it had charged for awhile, I opened it up to make sure it still worked, expecting to find my stack of unopened emails.

Well, in addition to those, I came across an email she apparently wrote last night while she couldn't sleep. It was to "G" at around 11:30pm while I was snoring next to her. There isn't much to say about the content, other than it was some very tame pics she sent him. What got me was the sign-off. She ended that email with "sweet dreams". It's not much at first glance, but its something I'm not accustomed to her saying to many people. In a way, it might be her way of flirting in an email that really has no sexual content otherwise.

I guess what what bothers me (or is it turning me on?) is the fact that she hasn't told me about it so far today. I don't want to become one of those husbands who combs through his wife's email, so I'll probably tell her about her "security breach" tonight. And that will keep me from spying on her.  "G" did reply to her, and apparently attempted to engage her on google's chat. It doesn't appear that they chatted while I slept last night, but again, I don't know whether that turns me on or bothers me. The same goes with her not telling me.  We'll see what the night brings.

V & G

This week, both V and G have been vying for my lovely wife's attention with V IM'ing her and G emailing during the day at work. She's been recapping their conversations with me in the evening, which of course, I have thoroughly enjoyed. If anything, she leaves me wanting more in the way of detail, but I'll take what I can get at this point as she's very shy about discussing these things. The conversations with both men have been pretty tame by any standard, but they are getting more and more interesting each day.  

As suggested by JF Break in the comments from a previous post, I asked her if she would want to forward me the conversations as they occur to my email, so I could enjoy them as they occured in realtime. Her first response to this in reference to the IM'ing was that with IM, there isn't a record like there is with email, and she didn't want it showing up in her "sent" folder at the office. That's completely understandable. 

Since that conversation, however, she's been emailing daily with G. Email has always been their chosen method of communication since before things started to get personal. Today she emailed me at my gmail address, which i thought was strange. I replied to her that  I assumed when I saw a message from her it was because she was sending me "something" from her other conversations. She replied saying, " no, not from my work account:)". My response back to her was "I thought they were already going to your work email?" (the emails from G). In which case, they're already going to her work email, there's no added danger of her forwarding them to me.

The other reason for her not wanting to send them I have to consider is that she's just not comfortable letting me read them for whatever reason. There are two schools of thought on this; the first being she's my wife and she should be transparent with me as to what she's saying to him, especially understanding the freedom I'm giving her, although I don't necessarily subscribe to this opinion. The other is that she may not be sure how I would react to the words she uses with him, possibly thinking I'm not ready to read them; that she may have said some things in her portion of the emails that she is worried about me reading. The irony is, it's most likely these words that would turn me on the most. Even the thought of it is a turn on. Crazy.

Anyway, I'm not sure how best to proceed but I'm really enjoying it so far. V has been trying to convince her to let him cook dinner for her, and she has been telling G about her preparation time in the gym for when she did the boudoir photoshoot. I'm sure she's driving them both crazy. Last night as we made love, I told her I would be comfortable with her going over to his place for dinner (V). Alternatively, I said she might want to go for lunch again with G, and this time take her boudoir portfolio to tease him with. Of course, she said "no way" to both suggestions. 

Week in Review

This week Rebecca and I had a great week as a couple. The kids were  more or less well behaved, and we seemed a little "extra" connected. I could chalk this up to one of several potential reasons, or maybe a combination of them all. 

On Monday, Rebecca started the week by telling me that "V" had been IM'ing her. Tuesday night followed with some of the best sex I can remember. As I mentioned in an earlier post, she was also ovulating this week, which I'm sure played a big part in it all. When she tells me about these other men chatting her up, it's hard to explain the feelings I have. I can tell you one thing though, there's no jealousy. I feel my senses awaken and I feel very clear headed about her and us. It's like all the extra things that cloud up my thoughts are stripped away. I look at her and see her clearer than I ever have, and I love what I see.

On Tuesday, as we made love, she asked me to pump her and then she asked to hear what fantasy I've been having about her lately. Now of late, my thoughts have actually been revolving around her and I in a MFM threesome. I told her as I pumped her that if there were two of us, we could take turns pumping her. As one of us got close, the other could take his place. As I explained this, I would pull completely out of her, simulating how her husbands cock would get replaced by her lover's.

Pulling double duty like this took a toll on my endurance and I came quite quickly inside of her. Fortunately, my newfound clarity kept me hard. I've mentioned before how I love the feel of Rebecca's pussy when it's full of come, and how quite often I'll come even faster on my second go around. This time was different however. I managed to hit that magical place where I approached orgasm without going over the edge.

I lifted her legs and pumped her continuously. After ten or fifteen minutes of this, I turned her over and slipped into her from behind. After another gloriously long period of pumping my wife from behind, a pool of our combined juices had dripped from her overflowing pussy onto our sheets. It was difficult to describe, but I felt quite powerful as I gave my wife one of the hardest and longest sessions she has had in a long while. To be honest, I was getting physically exhausted from the workout. In the near darkness of our room, it was the audio which finally pushed me over the edge. As I pumped her from behind, my balls, thoroughly soaked in our come, slapped against her pussy. It was this sound that helped me shoot yet another warm load deep into her. 

We finished off the week with a massage which turned to sex (Don't they all?). And last night with Rebecca riding me to a hard orgasm as I stroked her clit with my thumb. 

We've been married for almost fourteen years, and either our lovemaking keeps getting better, or my memory is getting worse. I just don't remember it being this good.

Now coincidentally, she had lunch with "G" on Friday. Friday morning I predicted he would subtly start to hit on her. She said there was no way as he was married with kids etc. Afterwards, she filled me in on the details of the conversation. It turns out this is his second wife, and Rebecca said she has the feeling he's a bit of a player. She had one drink with lunch and when he offered another, she declined saying she would be on the floor, and that she didn't want to say anything inappropriate.

She told me at the end of the lunch he gave her a personal email address in case she ever had more than one drink. She replied jokingly that it might be Saturday because that was our night without the kids. This recap of course pushed my buttons perfectly and as we made love last night, I told her so. As we lay in bed together covered in our combined post coital juices, she told me she doesn't want me to get too excited about any of this, I'll assume since there's no chance it will progress any further. This morning she mentioned to me that she forgot about a part of the conversation where she told him about the boudoir session she did for me. He said I was a lucky man. I know I am. Today, when we were driving the kids to the museum, I stopped at a light and she looked at me with a sparkle in her eye and smiled. As innocent as it is, this has become our little secret. And I love it.