Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Today

Note: thanks for your comments/thoughts and emails. I'm dumping my thoughts on here, not because I want a dialogue with anyone, I just need to vent, and I have no one to talk to. Feel free to comment, I just won't be responding. Thanks for your understanding.


Tuesday

Today

I go through thoughts of wanting to leave. Then I think if I did, she would go back to him. That shouldn't be a reason to stay.

I want to leave her to punish her. I think it's not a good enough reason.

I think of when they were together and wonder what I was doing at the time.

She stopped wanting to go out for drinks with him even with my encouragement. She started seeing him without my knowledge, even though she could have seen him with me knowing. Why? Who does that? Was it too weird that I knew, or would have known? Was it more "normal" for her to haves an affair behind my back? Still feeling like a fool for lots of things.

I told other people I chatted with online that she dates but there's nothing going on sexually because she tells me everything. I said she's not interested in sex with other men because SHE TOLD ME AND I BELIEVED HER. I was so confident that I knew her.

Nights are better. Mornings are bad.

How long would this have gone on? Until she left me for him. Like other women I have known, she denied it right up until the point of being faced with overwhelming evidence. Like a common criminal, or a five year old.

The day gets worse. I took off my ring again today in a silent kind of protest.


It's 8:30, the kids are at school. I have to get motivated to get to work. I'm already drained.

Maybe I need some time away.

I am sure that at times with him she must have thought about leaving me.

I think she hid this to keep the illusion that she was a loving wife and "good" girl. She couldn't accept that it's okay to get turned on, etc. to the point where it became a huge lie. She would ignore then hide any thought or discussion about sex with another man, then she would go out and get fucked by him.

All the pictures she ever sent me were for him first. I would tell her she should send them to him. She would lie and say she's not comfortable doing that, when, in reality, I was the afterthought.
To be honest, I wouldn't have minded her sending them to me after. "look what I sent G" would have worked wonders. Instead she lied to make me feel special. That's what kills me.

It just hit me that I'm sure he saw her boudoir pics. I offered to her that she should show him. She said she couldn't because they were for me. Another lie, I'm sure.

She says she has loved/loves only me. That she doesn't want to lose everything.

I was so sure of her.

It isn't the sex, I relished the thought of it. It's the fact that we have been living this lie for the last year at least. That she intentionally hid it from me.

She still hasn't given me a reason for hiding it. I can guess the reasons, but if she can't tell me or talk about it, we're no better off than when she was having the affair.

Nothing to lose now.

It's 10am. I need to go to work.

All the times we were together. Vegas, Florida, wine country. She was emailing him continuously. All she had to do was tell me.


4 comments:

  1. I am sorry for all that you are going through! It had to be a shock to find out about the betrayal of trust. You haven't elaborated much about what was in the e-mails so I can only imagine.

    I too have been have opened the door for my wife to enjoy this lifestyle, and so far she has not taken me up on it. Even if she never takes me up on it, I value the openness that just talking about it together has brought us. I have discovered new things about her and she about me, and we've been married over twenty years!

    The one thing I have discovered is that if my wife ever does walk through that door it won't be in her nature NOT TO develop feelings for the guy she fucks. It is just natural for her to equate sex and feelings, and I love her for that. She knows that about herself too and that is exactly what keeps her from doing it. She is not sure she can handle that emotional stress and fears she will break up our life together in the process.

    My advice is, DO NOT leave her or allow her to leave your family. Talk, and talk and talk, and then keep talking! It is rough and will be rougher still as you work through it. She obviously fell into this with some of your encouragement, so it is up to you to make her feel safe enough to discuss her feelings and come to an understanding together.

    I am hoping for the best for both of you! I have enjoyed your blog immensely and it has proven to be a great encouragement for my own endevours. Please vent away if it helps, it will continue to encourage us all and make us look at our own fantasies with a little more realistic view. We all need to know what we are getting ourselves into.

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  2. I can sense how devastating this betrayal is to you, especially with how much affection and adoration you have for her.

    You, as expected of someone in this situation, have a lot of Why questions. Perhaps the best way to find out is to talk about it openly and honestly with her. I understand it's hard to trust what she says now, but you won't find out without talking either.

    From an outsider's point of view, I think your arrangement with your wife is confusing to most and to her as well. I am sure neither of you has much experience on this path nor have clear role models in this lifestyle. So a lot of it is exploration and making mistakes and learning.

    I think it's confusing for your wife, and she's learning and discovering as she goes. This could be a good opportunity to explore her true feelings and thoughts, opportunity you wouldn't have had otherwise. After all, real experiences, good or bad, help us learn about ourselves and reveal who we are.

    I don't know, but I hope it turns out for the best for both of you. Continue to rant if it helps.

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  3. Sounds so familiar in a not so familiar way. But all the same, it hurts, I know. I can handle the sexual part but the emotional part and hiding is too much for me.
    It's tiring and mentally exhausting and I am thinking about you hoping that you guys can work through it and realize you do love each other and this is just a big learning curve. A big ass learning curve. I'm still trying to embrace that myself. I know you adore her and we are all human and don't always make the wisest choices. That's what I keep telling myself.
    I believe it, but to sit with it is another thing.
    Hugs friend.
    Laroo aka Roll

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  4. My thoughts and prayers are with you AND your family.

    I can't help but think you will work through this with her.

    If she had intended to leave you for him I think she would have by now. She obviously has feelings for you as she had relations with you during this time. I don't think she would have done that if she didn't value your marriage.

    Maybe she had her version of the "fantasy" a double agent kind of thing for her maybe. Maybe for her just having permission wasn't enough of a thrill, keeping it from you while keeping you and your family is what motivated her, maybe. I'm rationilizing the whole thing I guess.

    I wonder if she would have gone down that road had you not encouraged her with your fantasy. I think maybe not. I believe that wives that are mothers value the love and security of a loving husband. Maybe she will tell you different.

    I'm assuming it was clear that if she did take it to the next level she had to do that only with your approval. I can see that is what hurts the most.

    You will work it out but she will have to earn your trust and that will have to include an email (not an in person) break up with G. If she has had any contact with him since you found out then that is not a good sign. That means she is leaning on him for more than sex. If she can't take the break up step with G immediately then you have start the separation. If she is willing to do that that's a major step and you can show her all kinds of make up loving. Within a few days she needs to know that you are emailing G using her secret account to let him know that she is your not his and he's out. No drinks, no emails not so much as wink from him to her. If she doesn't allow you to re-establish yourself as the alpha male then begin the separation. MAYBE that is what she is wanting from you, for you to assert your love for her aggressively. Somethng to think about.

    All of that isn't worth the bandwidth it's written on I know. Of course only you know how to proceed. But you are a smart thoughtful guy that is till in love with his wife.

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