Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Letter

My Dear Wife,

About two years ago, I confessed my fantasy to you. Nervously, I told you how I had this nagging thought of you sleeping with another man. Your reaction was as would be expected Of a woman in love with her husband. You told me you weren't like that. You told me you needed to have feelings for someone before you had sex with them.

Over the next couple years, I tried my best to be open with you about how I felt. I understood how strange it must have been for you. What kind of husband would want this for his wife? You must have thought I didn't want you. Or that I wanted to stray myself.

I could tell that the idea made you uncomfortable, but I tried to explain how it could strangely bring us closer together. When you still acted uncomfortable and ignored my attempts to discuss this, I thought someone else would might be able to explain it better. I made the mistake of trying to set you up online with a man, a husband whose wife had the freedom I wanted for you. I hoped he could make you understand what I couldn't. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. You were understandably hurt that I would offer you up like that. While it wasn't my intention, I know it was stupid of me and I'm very sorry.

Over time, you started to show some interest in another man, G, and at first, when I realized you may have an interest in someone other then me, I was the one hurt. When I first discovered your flirtations with him almost two years agoI was sick to my stomach. Although it was what I had been after, I felt like I had been left out of the equation. I guess I never made it clear to you that I wanted the two of us to use this sexual energy to enhance our relationship. To do this would take honesty though, and I could tell you didn't want a husband who could want that.

After that episode, I backed off, letting you proceed at your own pace. I believed, in error, that you would bring me into your thoughts and feelings when the time was right, and we would be closer than ever.

Fast forward to several months later when I discovered a few more flirty email back and forth with him on your Blackberry. I took these in stride, but mentioned them to you anyway, hoping you would let me in. Instead you changed your phone's password. I let it go, trusting in your judgement.

Over the course of the next year or so, I withdrew a bit from you. Like you, I spent a lot if time on my phone. I chatted with other husbands and wives who either had been through this, or who offered words of support. When I would mention you just go for drinks occasionally with him, but nothing happens, the response was almost unanimous. They couldn't believe it. I firmly believed that only a husband can truly know his wife, that an outsiders opinion was just that, an opinion. I guess looking back, I should have listened to them.

When I found your secret email account last month, it proved them all right, and I was hit with the reality of your affair. Like a good wife, you have done all that is humanly possible to set us back on track. We love each other, and nothing will change that. I love you. At times over the last few weeks I wish I was strong enough not to.

We can definitely move on like we have been from this, but I feel I need to be honest with you, even if you haven't been with me. I blame your willful ignorance of my desires for this. I tried to share them with you so we could explore life together. Instead, you chose to ignore me.

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