The following is a comment I think deserved to become its own post. The comment is in quotes below, and my response is below it. The questions asked are good because they get to the heart of the matter.
"I just finished reading this blog from start to finish. I decided to post my comment here because it seemed to me the most relevant post."
"First off, Slider I think it's great that you are putting everything out there and I think it is even better that Rebecca reads it (a definite plus if you give her space and time to read it). With that being said, a lot of what your emotional experiences in HW are similar to what my husband and I have gone through as swingers."
"I don't mean what I say next to be judgmental but merely an observation. I find it a contradiction of what Rebecca perceives as "cheating" versus her actions where she is not willing to give you full access to her emails and texts. The only reason I say this is because when my husband and I first started swinging every chat and every text message was read by both of us. There came a point where my husband doesn't read my texts anymore but trusts that I will tell him about anything important. As we both know what one person finds vitally important is another person's no big deal. I know hubby trusts me."
"I have been wondering how you could convey to Rebecca that the content of her communication with G is a huge part of the turn on for you. From what I gathered from my reading is that you have told her, but was it communicated in a manner that she could receive it? Just stating the obvious that men and women can communicate very differently."
"Just my two cents... for what it is worth."
-A
Hello A,
You have identified something I'm trying to understand myself. One of the things that appealed to me (other than the sex) about this HW thing is the level of communication and openness that successful HW (and in your case, swinger) couples seem to have.
I mean, if a woman can openly discuss her attraction and feelings for another man with her husband, then she should be able to talk to him about anything. That's real intimacy.
In our case, I think that this level of communication/intimacy is the ultimate goal, but it may be a long journey to get there. I know we have a great marriage, so good, in fact that we talk about how abnormal we are compared to people we know. We're just not 100% comfortable discussing everything.
I also know that Rebecca is struggling with traditional ideas of sex, marriage and what a "proper" wife says and does. Even during sex, in her dirtiest moment, she'll hesitate when she says the words "cock" or "pussy". Having said that, we have definitely come a long way from our early days of talking about sex.
I think her shyness or desire for privacy with her emails comes from what she thinks "proper" is, but it's also a good indication to me that she has said or done more with G than what she has told me. Honestly, I'm not that freaked by it if that's the case. I can understand her need for privacy until she's comfortable sharing her feelings about him with me. I would just hope our discussion comes sooner rather than later.
Hearing about it is the one big thing I get out of this, but it's hard to explain how my biggest turn on is the idea of her getting hot with another man, then coming home and giving herself back to me.
What she needs to figure out on her own is that her interest in another man doesn't have to run contrary to our love. I freaked out early in their "relationship", when I saw her showing interest, so I could see why she's hesitant to be completely open.
Finally, I can't blame Rebecca for keeping some things to herself, we all do it to some extent. I certainly haven't told her everything about my fantasies yet either...
Please feel free to comment more and thank you for reading. No offense to the guys on here, but it's nice to read a woman's opinion..
Slider
I'm very impressed with your acceptance about not knowing every intimate detail of her communications with G. I'm not even involved in the situation and it makes me uncomfortable. I have always wanted to know everything and I'm fortunate that my husband is willing to answer whatever questions I ask him whether it be about his past, present, or future. Swinging has actually opened our communication and it has given me some comfort when he is out on his boys weekends (that's a whole other ball of wax from our past).
ReplyDeleteThe thought that keeps running through my mind is how someone can be with a spouse for so long and not completely give themselves over to that spouse. My husband is my best friend. He knows everything about me and I have never hesitated in telling him anything. I know all of his desires and he knows all of mine.
Please don't take anything that I say as judgmental as that would never be my intention. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around your relationship and how it intersects with your desires related to HW.
It is great to see a woman's perspective. Usually the problem in communications in a marriage sit with the males who are notorious for being close-mouthed. Funnily enough in a HW/Swinger relationship it seems to be the woman that struggles. This may be a generalisation, but I think for the majority it is true.
ReplyDeleteIt is only through open dialogue that both parties can progress toward true intimacy.