Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Root of Insecurity

I have been following a forum post on OHW for the last few weeks. It turned into a real train wreck, so of course it got me thinking about our own situation. The synopsis of the month is something like this:

The poster's wife was to be away for a month long training session. He stayed home and kept the house and kids in order. The couple had played as a couple in the past, but had discussed the potential for her to have some fun on her own someday. Well, it turns out she did meet someone at the training session, and her husband agreed to allow her to have some fun.

Of course this was an intense way of going about things. Over the course of the month, she saw her lover during the week and came home on weekends to her husband and family. By the end of the training however, she requested to stay on the weekend with her lover. She prefaced the request by saying this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that it would be over when she returned. Her husband acquiesced. She assured him, there were no emotions involved and that it was purely physical.

You can of course see where this is going. She came home at the end of the training with the "bombshell" that she has feelings for the other man, and that she has questions about their marriage. I'm sure when Rebecca reads this, she will ask aloud, "what did he expect"? I tend to agree, although I was optimistic part way through this ordeal thinking they would be fine. In hindsight, I think any woman who spends that length of time with another man will start to grow feelings for him. He could be Quasimodo for all it matters.

Now I'm pretty certain Rebecca's take will be that she never should have slept with the guy, or let any emotions develop. Once that started to happen, the wife in question seemed to feel like she had to lie to her husband and assure him there were no emotions involved, in order to spare his feelings, coincidentally ensuring she could continue the relationship with the other man. There was an expectation or belief that she could control her emotions throughout this affair.

This of course had me thinking of Rebecca and G. She has reassured me of course that she is only having fun flirting with him. My gut instinct tells me more has happened between them than she has let on, be it physical and/or emotional. If I'm wrong, then fine. To be honest I expect her to develop some kind of feeling for him. The key is for her to know that I won't freak out when and if this happens, as long as she is able to put the feelings in perspective when compared to her life with me and the kids.

I was on the OHW chat as well and had the chance to discuss the emotional aspect briefly with a nice woman going by the moniker "M". M has been married for 35 years, and has been a HW for around 25 of them. I asked her about the emotional part of it, and her response was "of course I'm emotionally attached" when it comes to her lover. She wouldn't sleep with him if there wasn't a connection. She compared it to the the love of a good friend, not something she would ever consider leaving her husband for. She was very matter of fact about it. Stating she and her husband love each other very much.

I think the original poster in the beginning of this essay and his wife haven't become at all comfortable with the emotional connection bound to develop between a woman and a man she's spending time with. This has led to all sorts of little white lies, which in turn have snowballed into this mess they're in now. Granted, theirs was a unique and compressed affair, not likely to occur very often in the "natural" world, but it's these intense situations where I believe we can learn the most.

As for Rebecca and I, she is still at a point where she denies any emotional connection to G. So be it, maybe it hasn't occurred. Maybe it won't happen. I only hope she won't deny it past the point of it happening, because then things could get out of control.

Finally, I have to point out that as far as I know, Rebecca hasn't even held hands with G yet. Much like the original poster, I believe her when she says that nothing else either physical or emotional has happened. All I can say is if she ever chooses to move forward, I dearly wish to end up like M and her husband, reflecting back on 35 years of love, and not like the OP.


  1. I haven't read the original discussion over on OHW (I don't seem to login there much these days) but I don't think this situation is all that uncommon for people who go into this type of lifestyle and then have the wife pairing off with the FB alone for even a weekend much less a full month.

    In general, if a man was offered a random BJ by a hottie at a nightclub, most would take it. Generally, most women would not allow some random guy to to finger her to orgasm on a dance floor. So right off the bat, men and women are different.

    When I first started thinking about threesomes, I already knew the idea was hot to me, I just had to find a guy that was willing to keep it a secret, and who my wife was willing to do it with. In my mind, "What women wouldn't want the pleasure of two men satisfying her?" "What wife would not want the "freedom" to have sex with another man" And finally, "How lucky was my wife that I was willing to let her experience this?"

    It took several years of fantasy but ultimately, it took my wife having a very flirtatious and close friendship with the first guy we did it with. There were many, many long phone conversations between he and my wife that I was not party to. She could have never made the leap if she had not had some emotional feeling.

    Would I be cool with them going out alone for one night? Sure. I did and it was a gut wrenching but ultimately exciting feeling. Would I have ever stood there and allowed the two of them to go off alone for a week? Hell no, that would be crazy!

    If Rebecca is ever going to have sex with G or some other guy, you need to accept the fact that there will be some emotional connection. But if you can handle the conversations and lunches she has with G now, you'll be able to handle that connection once they have fucked. But for heaven's sake, don't send them off for a month together!

  2. Oh my! I went over to OHW to read the thread you mentioned. Intense stuff!

  3. When my wife and I decided to open up our marriage about 2 years ago, the first thing she mentioned was she couldn't sleep with someone she was not emotionally attached to. After a lot of discussions we reached the same conclusions the lady you chatted with described. My wife has seen three guys since we openned up our marriage, and although she hadn't built an emotional connection with the first two, she has strong feelings for the third and current guy who she has been with for almost 10 months. We discussed that a lot, and we reached the conclusion that he is and will not be able to replace me, he is more or less a good friend with benefits.


  4. I think control of those emotions and the directing of those emotions are critcal for this lifestyle. Continual and honest self awareness checks on one's self is required. A couple that does not put all of this into perspective is in a dangerzone. That is why communiation to the 11th layer is required. I mean this needs to be peeled back, way back, nothing hidden. Once communication can happen at that level easily for a couple, then going that deep may not even be ness as some secrets may add hottness to the whole situation. Thats not what im talking about though. I am talking about opening up and keeping it open and being able to go deep at any time. Can you share at any moment what exactl you feel with spouse? Can you also be brutally honest with your lover at the same time?

    Here is the problem in a nutshell, spending time talking about every day stuff is how too people fall in love. Two things there, spending time, every day stuff. You limit those, your golden. If one is hiding this from the other, you have a problelm. If one spends a lot of time talking about sex and sex related things, not a problem. If one spends very little time talking about every day stuff, not a problem. Its really able to be broking down to this. It can be very very complicated once it gets past this stuff. Another sign that things are in the danger zone. Being self aware of this going in allows everyone to see the potential for problems in the road and then manage them by talking freely about them. Things can get deeper that point provided that relationship saving rope of communication is being used. It can even be more exciting for many things to let some feelings devolop as long as the rope is never set aside, let alone fully dropped like in the story above.

    Women are fully capable of having sex with no emotional attachement. Fantastic sex. Some women prefer more of an emotional attachement before they are all in. This can be done, but needs to be done carefully at the start.

    I think Slider needs to get a super hot hunk, a guy so hot that it makes all the women in the room to stick out their chests as he walked by out of instincts and have her hook up with him for a nice 2 hours of kissing like teenages and what ever happens after with Slider in the room. This first instance will set the stage for a lot of things. I can already see that Rebecca is going to do something with G and Slider is not going to be in the room. And she might even do it first and then tell Slider afterwards. It will be hot to hear for him. But this will be setting the stage in this direction. Not one I would like to go in.

    The question is for Slider, do you want her fixated on one guy and spending lots of time commincating with him about every day stuff? Way too dangerous for me. Or do you want her thinking about how hot it is going to be to finally fuck G as her head is still spinning from the last guy that just showed her new heights in pleasure she never knew existed last month? Pure animal thoughts and movements, those two, wow, wish I could watch. But now G will be in a different perspective, much different. Sex with him will be more emotional then that last, will be much hotter in a deeper way, but much safer for everyone involved. Especially when you catch them talking about very little every day stuff and lots of sex talk. This would be some safe fun for everyone.