Every once in a while, I like to put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. Last night I was thinking about Rebecca's perspective in all of this. How would I see it if she had been the one to suggest to me that I could start pursuing relationships with other women, while she remained "faithful"? My first reaction of course would be that she must already be cheating on me, and this would be her way of balancing things. My second thought would be that she wanted to cheat, and that she had someone in mind already. It would be difficult, if not impossible to understand what she would get out of this.
If I could satisfy my suspicions as to her motivations enough to accept that this was what she wanted me to do, I would probably question her love for me. Why would she want to "give me away", even temporarily to another woman? It would make no sense.
Now suppose for a moment that I could finally accept that she really did love me, and she wanted me to do this. At some point or another, my mind would start evaluating candidates, whether or not I had any intention of moving forward with it. For the sake of this "thought experiment", pretend there was a woman who recently left the company where I worked whom I had a good relationship with. This woman would be one that I had worked with over the last couple of years, and had always made time to chat. With my new-found freedom, I would subtly step up my interaction with her. We would meet for coffee, and start texting each other more and more. Things would start to take on a more sexual tone, and then one night, she would "drunk" email me stating her interest in something physical.
I would be conflicted to say the least. Without even trying, I suddenly had another woman interested in sleeping with me. I would decide to go extremely slow, and keep things to a "flirting" level. We would text and email every day. Then, one night a couple of days before meeting for a relatively innocent lunch, Rebecca would confront me with her knowledge of the emails/chatting, saying she wanted to be included in this, and that she was concerned I was hiding things from her.
I would be thoroughly confused at this point, and probably ask her, "wasn't this what she wanted?" She would reply, saying she was okay with the physical part and not with the emotional attachment. I would have to break it to her that you can't have one without the other. There would always be an emotional connection on some level if there's a physical relationship. I would say that's just the way I am. It's why you love me.
She would respond with a set of "rules" that she wanted us to follow as we embarked on this. Now at this point, the fun would be gone for me. I would now be in the awkward position of having another woman wanting a relationship with me, and my wife asking me to instigate a bunch of rules on the relationship.
Not that it should need to be reiterated, but I'll always chose my wife over another woman, so I decide to break it off before things go too far. I've now ruined a perfectly good friendship with a former co-worker because my wife pushed me in a direction, then pulled me back. I would be a little resentful towards my wife, but I would be happy we had each other.
Let's go one step further and suppose she wanted to set me up with another woman of her chosing, but this time only online, that is, via email or chatting. My thought at this point would be, "Can't I do anything myself? I'm a big boy." She either trusts me or she doesn't. Love and trust go hand in hand. I would tell her, again quoting my dad, "to take a long walk on a short pier." If it EVER comes down to is, I'll choose my own lover.
The thoughts she had planted would still be stuck in the back of my mind, but I wouldn't know how to proceed, or even want to because I would worry my control freak wife would lose it. I think I would do my best to just forget about things and try to get back to normal.
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Back to reality... my little thought experiment has shed some much needed light on how irrational my path has been. To that end, I'm going to take a step back. Rebecca needs some room to let things settle in her mind, and I really need to re-prove to her that I'm not crazy, and that I trust her. She can resume civil conversation (or not, it's up to her )with G, V, or any other letter of the alphabet for that matter. (Including a "C" who has been contacting her lately.) I'll leave it up to her. She can tell me or not, it's up to her. She has my blessing to do whatever makes her happy and I'll leave it at that.
Good move. Sometimes you just need to think these things out.
ReplyDeleteThe scenario illustrated in your thoughts reflect a common occurrence in couples who have a desire to open up their relationship from monogamy, to responsible non-monogamy. Regardless of whether both partners will have different sexual relationships outside of their primary or in the scenario above, only one partner will be sexually active outside of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteA core element of pure cuckoldry (as defined in the 21st century) and it's different sub-types, is the requirement of an intimate connection and emotional attachment between the "cuckoldress" and the "cuckold". Without it, especially for the "cuck," the affects of the sexual activities of the wife with other men would be little or none. There would be no more excitement or sexual anxiety for the "cuck" than if she were only a roommate who agreed to tell her male roomy about her sexual exploits in detail. There would be no excitement, no sexual anxiety, and no payoff. Whether or not the result would be true for the "cuckoldress" would depend on what sexual benefits, if any, she would receive by sharing the experience with the "cuck".
Since an intimate relationship must exist along with emotional attachment between the couple for the "cuck" to get his fix and the "cuckoldress" to trust the intent of her "cuck" to remain monogamous, the depth of intimacy and emotional attachment has to be protected to be maintained. Few people socialized by the Judeo-Christian mores, along with the puritanical influences of sexual behavior in the U.S, are able to experience their partner having a "relationship" with another sex partner, who has the same or close to the same level of intimacy and emotional attachment. These relationships tend to affect the "cuck's" experience moving from a positive excitement and sexual anxiety meeting his erotic needs and his desire for his wife to have a pleasurable sexual experience herself into one that is fear-based, inviting thinking in the "cuck" that can become destructive to the relationship, devolving into mistrust, resentment, with the potential of destroying the relationship.
As a result, the man and woman in the relationship must mutually develop a foundation of ground rules that they both can live along with a plan to address new information about themselves and their relationship as they progress through more experiences and exploration.
The single most common problem that arises in relationships that incorporate this kink into their lifestyle, is the lack of a mutually negotiated set of ground rules, including how the "cuckoldress" the depth of intimacy and emotional attachment allowed her and still have her husband "cuck" feel secure in their primary relationship.
Bottom-line, the "cuck" and the "cuckoldress" need to establish ground rules from the beginning. Otherwise, they begin a perilous journey that seldom ends well, usually for the "cuck".
Therefore, I would suggest that your concern is not so much a form of control of your wife as a realization of what you NEED to enjoy the cuckoldry experiences of you and your wife and feel secure in your relationship with one another.
Do yourself and your wife a huge favor. Have a long and specific conversation about your individual fears, concerns, and desires about yourselves and your own needs and about each others. The goal behind this or any lifestyle practice, especially those involving external sexual relationships, chosen by any couple is to enhance and deepen the existing relationship, not to destroy what you already have created together.
Good luck and my best wishes for positive outcomes that nurture your love for one another.
A Relationship Professional Specializing in Alternative Lifestyles and Sexual Expression.
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your professional opinion.. believe me I've thought about seeking out someone with your background. My challenge all along has been the communication, with it certainly being more one-way (from me) than anything. Rebecca is really uncomfortable discussing this type of thing. In fact, it took her a long time to even read this blog once I told her about it.
Most of our conversations have me doing the talking about what turns me on, and they usually end with her stating she has no real interest in pursuing this. That in itself is fine, and I need to accept that if it is indeed her wish. Unfortunately, it never disappears form my train of thought, and seems to show up in hers as well. I would have loved for her to say at the start of all this that although she doesn't share my desire, she was willing to explore it through discussion, fantasy, etc.
I feel a little like I have coerced her and I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than I already have, so I'll probably just bury this for awhile. She's too important to me.
HOH:
Having said all that, backing off and letting her think about things on her own is the best thing I can do right now. The last part of my most recent post makes me sound like I've given up the HW thing for the life of a cuckold. That wasn't my intent. What I wanted to get across is that I trust my wife. I can say with conviction that she already knows what is important to me. If I'm important to her, and I know I am, she'll realize when we need to talk again, and she'll be strong enough to get over her own inhibitions to start the conversation. If it ever gets there, that's when we'll discuss the rules.
Thank-you everyone for your continuing interest...
I love this blog!
ReplyDelete