TIred

I'm tired. I don't know what to think. I've put myself out there and there isn't a lot of interest or discussion being generated. I opened this collection to my most intimate thoughts to the only reader who matters to me and it has provoked a grand total of 5 minutes of heart to heart discussion. I don't even know if she has read the whole thing. (although she says she has). Writing this here feels a little too indirect or passive aggressive, but since she's sleeping right now, and I have this journal going, I guess I'll write.

All I know is if I had an opportunity to read my love's deepest desires, I would stay up all night reading like it was one of those novels you can't put down. When do you ever get an opportunity to look into someone's soul like that (this)? There is another possibility, one which weighs heavily on my mind; she has read it all, and is too freaked out to talk about any of it. Either way, right now, I'm regretting putting myself out there.

I always like to think there are options. I could go back to this blog just being for me by taking my wife off the reader list. In that sense, I could write all I wanted, with absolutely no expectations from her. I guess that might work, except I still think that it's a lot like bottling things up. At least right now she could see what's on my mind if she chose to. There are other arguments for keeping this private as well. Perhaps, if we know someone too well, even a spouse we love, they become tarnished. The argument against this, and the one I'm trying to believe in, is that the truly connected couples, you know, the ones with the kind of love that carries on forever, have seen all sides of their partner, and have become stronger as a couple because of it.

I guess I'm fortunate she hasn't taken the Jeri Ryan approach. I'm sure her ex-husband is regretting opening the lines of communication with her when it came to his sexual desires. I'm sure he believed his wife was the one person he could be open with.

Finally, the last option would be to take this thing live and open it up to any and all readers. I kind of hoped that I would be able to do this with her. If/when this blog become open to everyone, I would want her to read it (and possibly contribute.) Opening it up to all readers with no interest from her would be like this poor soul.