Today

Note: thanks for your comments/thoughts and emails. I'm dumping my thoughts on here, not because I want a dialogue with anyone, I just need to vent, and I have no one to talk to. Feel free to comment, I just won't be responding. Thanks for your understanding.


Tuesday

Today

I go through thoughts of wanting to leave. Then I think if I did, she would go back to him. That shouldn't be a reason to stay.

I want to leave her to punish her. I think it's not a good enough reason.

I think of when they were together and wonder what I was doing at the time.

She stopped wanting to go out for drinks with him even with my encouragement. She started seeing him without my knowledge, even though she could have seen him with me knowing. Why? Who does that? Was it too weird that I knew, or would have known? Was it more "normal" for her to haves an affair behind my back? Still feeling like a fool for lots of things.

I told other people I chatted with online that she dates but there's nothing going on sexually because she tells me everything. I said she's not interested in sex with other men because SHE TOLD ME AND I BELIEVED HER. I was so confident that I knew her.

Nights are better. Mornings are bad.

How long would this have gone on? Until she left me for him. Like other women I have known, she denied it right up until the point of being faced with overwhelming evidence. Like a common criminal, or a five year old.

The day gets worse. I took off my ring again today in a silent kind of protest.


It's 8:30, the kids are at school. I have to get motivated to get to work. I'm already drained.

Maybe I need some time away.

I am sure that at times with him she must have thought about leaving me.

I think she hid this to keep the illusion that she was a loving wife and "good" girl. She couldn't accept that it's okay to get turned on, etc. to the point where it became a huge lie. She would ignore then hide any thought or discussion about sex with another man, then she would go out and get fucked by him.

All the pictures she ever sent me were for him first. I would tell her she should send them to him. She would lie and say she's not comfortable doing that, when, in reality, I was the afterthought.
To be honest, I wouldn't have minded her sending them to me after. "look what I sent G" would have worked wonders. Instead she lied to make me feel special. That's what kills me.

It just hit me that I'm sure he saw her boudoir pics. I offered to her that she should show him. She said she couldn't because they were for me. Another lie, I'm sure.

She says she has loved/loves only me. That she doesn't want to lose everything.

I was so sure of her.

It isn't the sex, I relished the thought of it. It's the fact that we have been living this lie for the last year at least. That she intentionally hid it from me.

She still hasn't given me a reason for hiding it. I can guess the reasons, but if she can't tell me or talk about it, we're no better off than when she was having the affair.

Nothing to lose now.

It's 10am. I need to go to work.

All the times we were together. Vegas, Florida, wine country. She was emailing him continuously. All she had to do was tell me.

Where to

I discovered last night that Rebecca has had a secret email account she has been using to communicate with G. Over the last year at least, they have been meeting, emailing and professing their feelings for each other. They never used the word love, but it's pretty evident.

She has been meeting him without my knowledge and sleeping with him. She denied it up until she had no choice but admit it.

I opened this door myself. I thought we could walk through it together, but she left me behind. She says she doesn't love him, but I can no longer trust her word. She knew I had no problem with the physical part. She hid it because of the emotional part.

A warning for all of you out there. I thought I had the most honest, loving wife. I didn't. I thought she was different. She wasn't. No one ever really knows someone. We were perfect or so I thought.

I'll be wrapping this blog up now. When you go back and read the entries, remember I was a fool.

How to get your Husband to Come Home From Work

She sent me these today..

Happy Halloween

The kids are in bed and Rebecca's glutes were sore from working out. I did my best to make her feel better. Happy Halloween..

What is Sexy?

I just finished having lunch with Rebecca. We had met to do some banking and afterwards we stopped at a restaurant near my office.

This was a rare occasion when we were able to talk without being interrupted by our kids, so of course both V and G came up. She told me her email on her phone isn't working, so she hadn't heard from G lately. V had texted her to ask why he hadn't seen her in the gym. ( they have been on different schedules).

At one point, she asked me in a flirty tone what I thought made a woman sexy. I had to think for a moment. It's not something I've thought about in great detail. I mean, you know it when you experience it, but you don't usually think about it.

After some thought, there were two key points for me. The first quality was confidence. The second was the ability to push boundaries, her own as well as her partner's.

Rebecca is one of the most confident women I have ever known, so much so that her confidence might inhibit her from pushing the second part of the equation. But the times when she has pushed her boundaries have been some of the most erotic times I have experienced.

I asked her on the drive back the same question. Her response was similar. She listed confidence, (even cockiness) as the first quality. She qualified it saying there was a fine line between cocky and arrogant. Arrogance was a turn off for her. She went on to list intelligence as key for her, and that it had to be seen in the eyes. "Brightness" might be a better term.

Of course for any person to be sexy, there needs to be a physical attraction. I would venture to say that a person doesn't need to be a bombshell to be attractive. Sexy is a state of mind, especially, I find, as we get older. It's beyond skin deep.

Subtle

That word describes my Rebecca to a tee. Last Friday she seemed happier than usual, even for a Friday. It's difficult to put a finger on, but she was a little extra intimate in her flirtations with me.

I did put together, or rather she told me that G had been emailing her during the day and had asked her to go to lunch. She said she declined because it was too short of notice. I'm not sure if that was why she was extra happy, but like most husbands, I just like it when my wife is happy.

I might try to see if she wants to cash her rain check by going out for a drink with him this week, although he may be traveling.

We don't discuss the HW thing directly much any more, except in bed. We seem to have this daily innuendo happening where I don't push the conversation beyond a certain point. While it remains my number one fantasy, I keep from pushing my luck too much.

Vegas Recap

I'm laying in bed sick today, cold with a fever. I haven't posted any additional Vegas pics so I thought I would clean these off my phone.

This last week, she told me she showed V a picture of her and I from the trip, her in her dress. Apparently his comment was "damn!". He asked her to wear it to work.. We both found that one funny.

A couple of the pics are her on our bed checking her email before we headed down to the pool one morning. The other was her in a work skirt that she hiked up for my enjoyment.

She bought the boots on this trip.