The Table

Rebecca and I drove out to my parents today. The kids have been staying out there, about a two hour drive from our place. We're staying the night and heading back tomorrow. The kids will stay with my mom and dad for one more week, a welcome break in our summer holiday.

As per usual, Dad and I spent some time downstairs playing pool. You see, I was raised on a 5x10 snooker table. Dad bought it years before I was born. Every house we lived in was chosen or built on the ability to house "the table". Our game of choice was snooker, although occasionally we slummed it with 8-ball.

The table has stayed in its current location for approximately the last thirty years. Dad was meticulous when he set it up. For a table almost a hundred years old, it has held its own.

Growing up, when I had girl problems or needed time to think, I would go downstairs and shoot. For anyone familiar with snooker, I would practice the familiar 27 pt order of yellow, green, brown, blue, pink then black. Over and over.

I don't play much any more, but when I come home, I pick up without losing a beat. As corny as it sounds, the table is like a part of me now. I win when i feel good and I lose when I don't.

Dad is over seventy now, so I win quite regularly. He insists that I never let him win, and because he never let me win, I oblige him. We always know where we stand when it comes to the game. He moves around the table slowly nowadays, but he surprises me with a sharp shot quite often. If I had to get poetic about it, I would guess it's the table just letting me know now and then where I stand.

Love, Lust and Romance

Nothing further has come from G's wife. We'll keep our fingers crossed. As for G, he's been silent as well, which I can understand.

I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't want him to contact Rebecca. I really can't explain it. I never want to lose her, but I'm still drawn to the thoughts of her seeing him.

I was reading a post on OHW which might help explain it. The guy who wrote it was a "boyfriend" of a married woman. He had a good grip on the dynamic.

He identified three elements in a marriage; love, lust and romance. He acknowledged that her and her husband had an abundance of love and that his role was simply to help with the other two categories.

Rebecca and I have never been short of any of these in our marriage. Having said that, as I look back in time to when she was seeing G, I recognize that there was an added level of both of Lust and Romance during that time.

Although she may never admit it, I know she enjoyed the dance of getting to know him, going out for drinks and chatting. What she doesn't understand is that I enjoyed that part too. I can't say exactly why. I wasn't trying to pawn my wife off, but knowing she was desirable to other men lit a fire in me.

In terms of Lust, I think she finds it difficult to allow herself to feel it. There's no doubt that she did feel Lust over the course of their relationship, and I think it's the reason she feels bad or embarrassed now. She shouldn't, although I understand that she would feel that way. I was turned on immensely just knowing she can experience Lust like that.

As for the romance, I think it gets difficult to escape the daily grind in order for married people to romance each other. I also don't think it is bad that she was romantic with him. I think women need that. It's not to say she doesn't experience that with me, it's just that it isn't often enough. Her dates had some level of romantic escape, and oddly enough, I benefited from it as well. Women like Rebecca need romance to feel sexy. When she feels sexy, I benefit. (Got that honey? I want you to date again.)

On another note, I have been texting with her today, trying to get her to take off her panties at work. She's wearing a new dress, similar to the one pictured here.

She texted back and asked, "What if I get drippy?". She's at a very wet time of month for her, close to ovulation, so it's likely she would "get drippy".

All the better in my opinion. I like the idea of her at her desk, dripping wet.

Mrs. G?

Rebecca writes a family blog where she keeps it updated with things the kids are doing along with other family oriented content. It's been a good record of our kids growing up as well as family things we've done over the years. And no, I'm not providing a link.

Last week, she found a comment which alluded to Rebecca "running around" with a married man. Rebecca deleted it immediately and turned off commenting on her blog. Fortunately, her readership isn't that large, so she was able to delete it before a family member saw it.

She told me about it and we assume that G's wife has finally found out about them. Rebecca assures me that she hasn't seen or communicated with him since that coffee last December.

She's a little unnerved that his wife would make contact with her in such a passive aggressive way. I did my best to assure her that it was just a way for her to lash out at her husband's liaison.

It is strange, though because the blog isn't easy to find, even if you google the right words. It took some effort on her part and Rebecca said she never told G about the blog.

My assumption is that Mrs. G found G's email account and this all came to a head last week, when she decided to look up Rebecca. I'll try not to turn this into a debate about infidelity, but I wouldn't put the fault of this affair totally into Rebecca's court. G is the one who took the step of booking that initial hotel room. It just unfolded from there. Hell, according to him, he and his wife would go for up to six months at a time without sex. Knowing that, I'm surprised it took him so long to make a move on Rebecca.

My perspective on this whole thing is, for lack of a better word, "unique". I have been in Mrs. G's shoes, having been surprised by my spouse's affair. The key difference is the role I played in creating Rebecca's affair. My brief but intense pain was bookended by feelings of lust and intense sexual attraction for my wife.

I have to admit that over the last couple of months, sex has been quite "regular" between us. It's always good, don't get me wrong, but it has been without the edge I experienced over the last year and a half.

This simple contact from G's wife has reminded me of what Rebecca did with him. It reminds me that she can be purely sexual and it pulls me to her even more.

I like the fact that Rebecca told me about this contact from G's wife right away. We have talked on and off about it over the weekend, and I feel closer to my wife than ever. It's her and I getting through this together, and I can tell she's relieved that she's able to confide in me. We'll see what happens next.

Morning Thoughts

Rebecca told me in casual conversation that another guy, J, was texting her from the golf course on Friday. He is in the company, and I met him when we were in Vegas. He's a big, pretty fat guy who is a bit of a blow hard.

Rebecca told me he was telling his golfing companions how hot she is. He also asked her for a pair of her panties.

This morning I'm thinking how hot it would be if she couriered him a pair without saying who it was from. She's at the company gym this morning in her Lulu's. They show off her ass so nicely.

Last night she asked what she should wear to work today, so I requested her black and white skirt with stayups. She looked hot on her way out today.

Much Ado About Nothing

We've had a busy weekend do far. The kids have had a lot on the go, so we've been acting as chauffeurs. Somehow we managed to get some yard work done in between bouts of rain.

Rebecca is showering upstairs while I'm having a coffee. Something she said yesterday kind of came back to me.

I think I had written about a guy from her company (different city) previously who she has developed a a basic friendship with.

I'm not sure what to call it, as things progress differently these days when it comes to relationships. They met through work, but they're in different cities, so they hardly have seen each other.

They've "friended" each other on Facebook, which is no big deal to me, but it would be an issue for a more "vanilla" husband. For me, well, you know.. Unlike a normal husband, I smile a little when she tells me about little things like that.

Her most recent comment was yesterday. I was sitting with her as she was browsing her Facebook page. There was a post from M showing pictures from a recent trip. Rebecca commented how he looks good for having just turned fifty.

Again, a typical husband may have taken exception with his wife commenting about another man like that. I honestly never even thought about it until this morning.

Rebecca always makes friends easily with men, almost easier than she does with women, so it isn't any big deal. She is going to his city later this month for a quick overnight trip, so i wouldn't be surprised if she found a moment to meet for a quick drink or coffee.

Of course, it would be a little exciting for me if she did choose to meet him, but I'll be fine if she chooses not to. She'll be with her people from her group, and she's on a pretty tight schedule, so there may not be an opportunity.

Some Pics

I've been meaning to post some new pictures of my lovely wife, but I wanted to clear it with her first. In light of the past six months, I thought it would be something we could enjoy together. She gets an ego boost and I get the turn on of knowing others find my wife hot.

This morning she left at her usually early time and I was tempted to post a few then, but I sent her a text instead asking if she'd mind if I posted some pictures.

She sometimes gets busy in meetings at work, so it took a little while for her to respond. She eventually gave me the go ahead, with the caveat that they can't make her look bad. I told her that was impossible.

I would love to hear your comments and although she won't say so, she is curious too. All I ask is that you leave the past out of any comments. We're moving on. Enjoy... I do.

Reassurance

I was in a bit of a bad mood over the last couple weeks. It coincided with a nine day stretch of no sex due to Rebecca traveling, then coming home with a bad head cold.

I've found that the longer I abstain, the less I seem to care about sex. Maybe it's my body's way of shutting down during dry spells.

Unfortunately, while I'm in this sexless fog, I also get a bit testy. I tend to focus on things like work, and other household projects. I become a lot more practical, with both my work and my relationships This tends to translate into a shortness with everyone around me, including Rebecca and the kids. Sweets, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. It's hard to articulate an explanation. It's a little easier to write.

Rebecca noticed my funk and mentioned it. One night during her head cold, she even attempted initiating action with me. I knew she had no desire for sex herself, so I gently told her she should get some rest.

We eventually did have action a couple nights ago, and as usual it was very good. I really do need her to enjoy it for me to get satisfaction. I guess I get off on her getting off.

It's funny how I can go from accepting having no sex to not wanting to ever go without feeling her body against me. I don't like to think I'm that one-dimensional, but I just might be.

During my celibate time, I had some other thoughts bouncing around in my head which go back to the G circumstances.

Looking back, what I think I needed was for her to enjoy herself but to confide in me. Like most people, I'm sure I've been cheated on in the past by girlfriends. I guess I hoped that by me giving her this freedom and by her sharing it with me, we would eliminate one last barrier or taboo or whatever.

I think in my mind's version of the perfect situation, she would have had her affair but kept me in the loop. I will readily admit that the idea is a huge turn on for me. There would be times when I was feeling insecure, much the same as a husband who had a suspicion his wife was cheating.

The key difference in my ideal situation is that the open affair would allow her to reassure me in those times of feeling vulnerable. There's something to be said for feeling that exposed, only to have her tell me she loved me and wouldn't trade us for the world. At that point, everything else is stripped away in terms of emotion, and you're left with each other.

I guess we went through that with the G affair, only it was in massive, overdose levels of love, pain and love again. A little more controlled dosage would have addressed the painful aspect of it, particularly as it affected Rebecca.

I know without a doubt that the guilt she feels now could have been reduced and possibly eliminated with communication. At the same time I know she held back telling me because of the mixed signals I gave her leading up to the actual affair, so I don't blame her for being afraid to tell me.

It's harder than you might think when you realize your wife is beginning to like another man. No matter how secure you feel in your relationship, feelings of jealousy will pop up. Ideally, you talk about it together to address and diffuse it, but there will always be the natural and destructive tendency to avoid and hide those feelings. We definitely fell into that pattern. Fortunately, it didn't break us, it just gave each of us a few battle scars.

It's full on spring here. As I was getting the kids ready for school this morning I realized how fortunate I have been. I have two great, healthy kids and an unbelievably intelligent, fit, attractive wife who, despite my shortcomings and best efforts to fuck it all up, loves me dearly. Not bad.