Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I was in a bit of a bad mood over the last couple weeks. It coincided with a nine day stretch of no sex due to Rebecca traveling, then coming home with a bad head cold.
I've found that the longer I abstain, the less I seem to care about sex. Maybe it's my body's way of shutting down during dry spells.
Unfortunately, while I'm in this sexless fog, I also get a bit testy. I tend to focus on things like work, and other household projects. I become a lot more practical, with both my work and my relationships This tends to translate into a shortness with everyone around me, including Rebecca and the kids. Sweets, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. It's hard to articulate an explanation. It's a little easier to write.
Rebecca noticed my funk and mentioned it. One night during her head cold, she even attempted initiating action with me. I knew she had no desire for sex herself, so I gently told her she should get some rest.
We eventually did have action a couple nights ago, and as usual it was very good. I really do need her to enjoy it for me to get satisfaction. I guess I get off on her getting off.
It's funny how I can go from accepting having no sex to not wanting to ever go without feeling her body against me. I don't like to think I'm that one-dimensional, but I just might be.
During my celibate time, I had some other thoughts bouncing around in my head which go back to the G circumstances.
Looking back, what I think I needed was for her to enjoy herself but to confide in me. Like most people, I'm sure I've been cheated on in the past by girlfriends. I guess I hoped that by me giving her this freedom and by her sharing it with me, we would eliminate one last barrier or taboo or whatever.
I think in my mind's version of the perfect situation, she would have had her affair but kept me in the loop. I will readily admit that the idea is a huge turn on for me. There would be times when I was feeling insecure, much the same as a husband who had a suspicion his wife was cheating.
The key difference in my ideal situation is that the open affair would allow her to reassure me in those times of feeling vulnerable. There's something to be said for feeling that exposed, only to have her tell me she loved me and wouldn't trade us for the world. At that point, everything else is stripped away in terms of emotion, and you're left with each other.
I guess we went through that with the G affair, only it was in massive, overdose levels of love, pain and love again. A little more controlled dosage would have addressed the painful aspect of it, particularly as it affected Rebecca.
I know without a doubt that the guilt she feels now could have been reduced and possibly eliminated with communication. At the same time I know she held back telling me because of the mixed signals I gave her leading up to the actual affair, so I don't blame her for being afraid to tell me.
It's harder than you might think when you realize your wife is beginning to like another man. No matter how secure you feel in your relationship, feelings of jealousy will pop up. Ideally, you talk about it together to address and diffuse it, but there will always be the natural and destructive tendency to avoid and hide those feelings. We definitely fell into that pattern. Fortunately, it didn't break us, it just gave each of us a few battle scars.
It's full on spring here. As I was getting the kids ready for school this morning I realized how fortunate I have been. I have two great, healthy kids and an unbelievably intelligent, fit, attractive wife who, despite my shortcomings and best efforts to fuck it all up, loves me dearly. Not bad.