Monday, April 8, 2013

Reading

I'm not sure what possessed me, but I dug out the stack of printed emails I had from November. It was the correspondence between them, and it's pretty intimate.

Rebecca won't like that I revisited it, she's very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

To be honest, I never read through them completely the first time around. I guess this was more of a test as to whether any of it bothers me now as much as it did before.

The emails weren't that graphic in nature sexually, but it is the intimacy that strikes home for me. When I originally brought up the idea years ago that she could take a lover, she said it would never happen because she needs to care about a man she sleeps with.

Again, it was the intimacy in her words that caused the pit in my stomach. That was the reason I needed it to end. It was her expressions of affection that made me "chicken out". Trust me, I have often thought I should have kept my mouth shut and let them carry on.

The words I read today reaffirmed to me that I made the right decision.

When I asked her about her feelings back in November, she said that those words were just a game for her, and that she didn't have any deep feelings for him. Of course this contradicts her comment years ago about having to care for someone before having sex.

The truth is out there, and it probably goes something like this: She did or does care about him, but felt she had to save my feelings at a time when I was pretty devastated.

The alternative is that she got past her need to have feelings for a lover, and it was all about the sex.

I know what I believe. To be brutally honest, I love her because she is the type of woman who needs to care about someone. But that's also why it hits me so deeply. I now know she's capable of caring for someone else. It's not necessarily a bad thing, providing she isn't swept away from me. She wasn't.

The internet is crawling with "slut wives" and the like. What makes Rebecca so special, and what made this so amazingly gut-wrenching is that she is anything but a slut. Her caring for G was just another level of sharing her I couldn't handle, but yet was something I craved. Hell, I still do. And I still can't. Go figure.

5 comments:

  1. I now know she's capable of caring for someone else. It's not necessarily a bad thing, providing she isn't swept away for me. She wasn't.

    You can only deal with what you can deal with. I think in our society, most "normal" men wouldn't even think far enough into it to wonder how they would react to a purely emotional, non-physical affair between their wife and another man. The first thought is the sex, and all they know is that they don't want some other man messing with their "property".

    But then, guys like us have this strange urge to see our wives with other men. Suddenly, it is that idea that the very thing most men consider to be totally off limits, we want to offer up. It is at this point that we shift from the physical stranglehold (the sex part) to the emotional. The first thing men like us usually offer up as a rule or boundary is kissing. No kissing the other guy. If they kiss, that means something emotional, way more personal than sex.

    I remember the first time I watched my wife standing in the doorway, still nude, unaware I was watching, kissing our threesome partner goodbye. That whole no kissing rule suddenly seemed so silly. The kiss was more than sex or friendship, and I knew my wife had strong feelings for him. But at the same time, I was so completely turned on. When the friend left, my wife came back to bed and we made passionate love.

    What little we readers know about your Rebecca, we do know that she always came back to you. Regardless of how she deceived you or why, we know that she never stopped loving you and when the affair was discovered, she easily chose you over him.

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  2. the real issue is part of i think what turns people on about this especially when if you have the oppertunity to watch is seeing your wife complety give in and allow the other guy to completly take her. that is what you missed out on and can only get a taste of it through her letters. you never got to see him break her and watch her give in to him and unleash her crazy slut side. had you been present things probably would have just reamined physical with no real feeling involved.

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  3. I Have read many of your posts, not all by any stretch. And I apologize for the rambling that my writing may seem to be.
    I noticed that you had suggested to Rebecca near the beginning of this adventure, that you wanted her to take a lover, but, and I'm paraphrasing, you hoped she would share it with you. It seems that she chose not to, and this and is what hurt you. That and also that she "loved" another in the process. I am realizing that it is the wife who must rationalize in her mind, and how she views your collective security within your relationship will determine if/how she shares this with you. This is the hardest part of a Hotwife relationship, in my estimation. Rebecca had to completely go against everything she has learned to that point, about how marriage works, how relationships work, and yet what you are desiring in the context of your relationship, all very hard things to work out in her mind. Add to that the public perception of women who “sleep around”, the judgement from others, and the fear that her relationship with you could be destroyed in the process. I believe she did what she thought safest for all involved, and cannot be blamed for that.
    I am sorry that it ended the way it did, for both of you. I, like you I think, relish the intimate connection that could be created by sharing the details, but realize she is the one who would actually be involved the external relationship, while I get the easier job of being a voyeur in a sense.
    I desire the scenario as you do, or did, but would also have a hard time with it. I am just not ready for it, let alone my wife. I try and prepare myself for this likely eventuality by discussing, in my own mind, the limits of love, and if they are only as we have been taught in our possessive and judgemental world.
    Can you only love one type of food? How about siblings or parents, does the love of one diminish the love for the others? What about our children? Do we only have so much love to give? Can it run out? These seem like silly questions in terms of these situations. Of course we can love all of our children, family, friends etc, without diminishing the love that each receives.
    What I'm beginning realize, not without frequent repetition and practice, is that there is no limited volume of love. We have more to give than even we know, and our own fear of losing it is what limits our experiences as individuals.
    I wish to give my wife the gift of being fully free, physically and emotionally, to have sex with and love others. That she would return to me would be greatest confirmation of our permanent connection.
    You seem to be in a good place at present, yet missing that which hurt you so much. It also sounds like Rebecca is also hurting, and not dealing with it, at least not that you have expressed, or that I have read. If I could offer anything, it would be to invest in some time and energy into developing some good quality communication skills. Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg has helped us tremendously, and I would suggest this program for everyone. I own no shares nor do I have any affiliation, but have experienced a dramatic change in me, as a result of practicing the principles of NVC. I suspect Rebecca is struggling with the mixed messages, and you can help her, without blame or judgement. Best of luck, I wish you both well.

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  4. Do you intend to reread the emails, or would it be best if you destroyed them once and for all? It seems a tad masochistic to dredge up your feelings every so often...

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  5. She's not a typical slut but a good one. Different people like different types. I guess I am similar to you in that I like her type, the good girl slut!

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