I'm not sure what possessed me, but I dug out the stack of printed emails I had from November. It was the correspondence between them, and it's pretty intimate.
Rebecca won't like that I revisited it, she's very uncomfortable about the whole thing.
To be honest, I never read through them completely the first time around. I guess this was more of a test as to whether any of it bothers me now as much as it did before.
The emails weren't that graphic in nature sexually, but it is the intimacy that strikes home for me. When I originally brought up the idea years ago that she could take a lover, she said it would never happen because she needs to care about a man she sleeps with.
Again, it was the intimacy in her words that caused the pit in my stomach. That was the reason I needed it to end. It was her expressions of affection that made me "chicken out". Trust me, I have often thought I should have kept my mouth shut and let them carry on.
The words I read today reaffirmed to me that I made the right decision.
When I asked her about her feelings back in November, she said that those words were just a game for her, and that she didn't have any deep feelings for him. Of course this contradicts her comment years ago about having to care for someone before having sex.
The truth is out there, and it probably goes something like this: She did or does care about him, but felt she had to save my feelings at a time when I was pretty devastated.
The alternative is that she got past her need to have feelings for a lover, and it was all about the sex.
I know what I believe. To be brutally honest, I love her because she is the type of woman who needs to care about someone. But that's also why it hits me so deeply. I now know she's capable of caring for someone else. It's not necessarily a bad thing, providing she isn't swept away from me. She wasn't.
The internet is crawling with "slut wives" and the like. What makes Rebecca so special, and what made this so amazingly gut-wrenching is that she is anything but a slut. Her caring for G was just another level of sharing her I couldn't handle, but yet was something I craved. Hell, I still do. And I still can't. Go figure.
I now know she's capable of caring for someone else. It's not necessarily a bad thing, providing she isn't swept away for me. She wasn't.
ReplyDeleteYou can only deal with what you can deal with. I think in our society, most "normal" men wouldn't even think far enough into it to wonder how they would react to a purely emotional, non-physical affair between their wife and another man. The first thought is the sex, and all they know is that they don't want some other man messing with their "property".
But then, guys like us have this strange urge to see our wives with other men. Suddenly, it is that idea that the very thing most men consider to be totally off limits, we want to offer up. It is at this point that we shift from the physical stranglehold (the sex part) to the emotional. The first thing men like us usually offer up as a rule or boundary is kissing. No kissing the other guy. If they kiss, that means something emotional, way more personal than sex.
I remember the first time I watched my wife standing in the doorway, still nude, unaware I was watching, kissing our threesome partner goodbye. That whole no kissing rule suddenly seemed so silly. The kiss was more than sex or friendship, and I knew my wife had strong feelings for him. But at the same time, I was so completely turned on. When the friend left, my wife came back to bed and we made passionate love.
What little we readers know about your Rebecca, we do know that she always came back to you. Regardless of how she deceived you or why, we know that she never stopped loving you and when the affair was discovered, she easily chose you over him.
the real issue is part of i think what turns people on about this especially when if you have the oppertunity to watch is seeing your wife complety give in and allow the other guy to completly take her. that is what you missed out on and can only get a taste of it through her letters. you never got to see him break her and watch her give in to him and unleash her crazy slut side. had you been present things probably would have just reamined physical with no real feeling involved.
ReplyDeleteDo you intend to reread the emails, or would it be best if you destroyed them once and for all? It seems a tad masochistic to dredge up your feelings every so often...
ReplyDeleteShe's not a typical slut but a good one. Different people like different types. I guess I am similar to you in that I like her type, the good girl slut!
ReplyDelete