Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Quiet Summer

Where to pick up? After my last post, we went through a series of ups and downs, which eventually ended up with Rebecca pulling the plug on G.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling a little confused. Their relationship had turned into more of a friendship than anything else, and it made me uncomfortable. They emailed/ texted daily, which she told me about, and they were getting together for coffee or drinks about once a week.

It's hard to explain to anyone how I felt about it, Rebecca still doesn't understand how I could be jealous of a friendship, yet still fantasize about her sexually with another man. I never claimed I was easy to figure out.

Her strong values tell her that sex is something reserved for the one you love. How can I argue with that? Her values will however, allow her to become intimate on a friendly basis with another man.

My values are smoewhat opposite. I see the friendship which develops between a man and woman to be more threatening than anything sexual could be, particularly when husband is excluded.

This all came to a head was when I decided to email G and introduce myself. Without posting the actual content, I basically introduced myself and suggested we meet before things continued with him and Rebecca. I also said to hold off telling her that we've emailed until after we met. I know, Mr. Transparency (me) suddenly went covert. I hoped that once we met, we would be able to both convince her things were cool, and they could keep seeing each other. I know that direct communication like this makes her very uncomfortable, so I thought it was best.

He replied, saying he was surprised to hear from me, and that he would be fine meeting. His take, though was that Rebecca should know. I know, this coming from a man sneaking around on his wife. The irony is palpable.

Against my initial thoughts, I came clean with Rebecca that night and told her I had been in contact with G. Suffice to say, she was extremely pissed. I tried to reassure her things were cool, but to no avail. She took it as a huge betrayal, that I would go behind her back.

In my limited defense, I told her nothing embarrassing about her or us was revealed to him. I just thought he and I should meet if the friendship was going to continue. I told her that she would have introduced me to any other of her friends by now, so why the issue? She didn't see it that way, and we're still in different camps on that issue.

As it stands, she has broken off all communication with him, which I'm okay with. She has told me in no uncertain terms to not bring up the hotwife thing. That's not so easy. I'll do my best to honor that request, although I told her I'll still have the fantasies; there's no way to turn that off, and it'll be a shame that I can't share them with my wife.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and things are back to normal. Our love life is back on track, and she's as amazing as ever. She keeps getting hit on at corporate events, but I do my best not to react much when she tells me.

We went on holidays for a week, and each took books to read. She's onto the second book in the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series, " The Girl who Played with Fire". Ironically, there is a strong HW character in the  books, Erika Berger. When we got home from our vacation, Rebecca had me read a section of the book which describes the relationship between Erika, her husband, and her friend/lover/business partner, Mikael Blomkvist. Stieg Larsson actually did a good job describing what I thought the dynamic should be like. Again, after I read it, I let sleeping dogs lie.

After I read the passage, Rebecca said she now understands something G had said to her one night they were out. When she told him I was aware she was out with him, he referred to her as Erika Berger. Oh well, I can't dwell on missed  opportunities. It's a shame though that she had to give up on something she enjoyed. For now, we may just be too far apart on the issue. It helps to get this written down, and I'm sure Rebecca will have a slightly different take on things when she reads this.

Take care, I hope everyone is having a good summer.


  1. I totally get your point of view, seeing the friendship with G as more of a threat than a simple sexual relationship between two married co-workers. And, as much as it pisses off Rebbecca or other wives in the same situation, I could have seen myself doing the same thing you did, trying to meet G. Not that it helps.

    If it is any consolation, the last guy that we had HW like relations with (we did threesomes and they also had some one on one meetings), years later my wife is still friends with him, at least over the phone and Facebook. When he has issues in life, he calls her for female advice. I don't feel threatened by it because frankly, I'd be happy for them to hook up sexually again. But that friendship isn't the same as two co-workers who spend at least moments of each day together. At some point, as a husband, you start to wonder what intimate thoughts she is sharing with him that you do not hear about later in bed, and that is why most husbands, even HW husbands feel as though they are being shut out.

    Unfortunately, I think we are wired that way.

  2. I think your wife has gotten over it and is subtlety trying to get you to bring them up again - I think that she enjoys them but is determined to pretend that doesn't really. You should try again to mention it during sex

  3. I did say that things would get messy with G. Was I right? Why don't you do some harmless but exciting things like her doing some "Flashing" this can be very exciting. Also, if she did do anything - it really should be with a stranger that you never see again. This gives you time to analyse how the experience impacted on you and how you really feel about it. If you did it with someone you know and didn't like it - things could become very complicated.

    Next time you go to Mexico - let her flirt with the staff/patrons - if there is some mutual attraction - go to bed and wait for her to come to you...