I don't look back as often as I used to, but when I do now, I can pinpoint the times when I had given her every reason to be worried about my reaction, had she told me.
Even in the initial stages when I saw her starting to branch out, my reactions and jealousy would have given her every reason to be discrete.
At the time, it was unnerving to have gently pushed her in that direction, with her fighting it, only to see signs that she was actually attracted to him. The protracted dance of "I'm not interested", to snooping through her texts to learn it was the opposite was more than my maturity level could handle, and she would have realized that back then.
She was enjoying herself, but most likely feeling guilty about it. She's not a great communicator and I'm too much of a thinker.
Quite honestly, if I went through this again, knowing what I now know, I would still be challenged by the emotions I would go through.
No offense to the "slut wives" out there, but Rebecca isn't anything like them. She has had a grand total of three men in her lifetime. I think knowing that she is that discerning contributed to the angst I felt when things were developing with G. It's hard to control that emotion.
Oddly enough, it's the angst that I miss now. I remember her heading out for drinks in the evening, and even though I thought it was innocent at the time, the feelings were incredible.
Another thing I used to love was getting the occasional text near the end of the day saying that she was invited out for a drink and "is that okay?" It was something very hard to describe.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. She's a great woman, wife, mom, milf. I do miss the "old days", but I'm grateful beyond belief that after all this drama, she ended up with me.
It is wonderful to be thankful for such a woman. As a reader, I never once thought that she wouldn't end up with you, I just got the sense that you weren't as sure about it. So now you and Rebecca both know the strength of your marriage. What's next?
ReplyDeleteI agree with JFBreak. Emotions can be strange and powerful things, but I always believed that you and Rebecca had a bond that would overcome your adventures and misadventures.
ReplyDeleteFrom the outside looking in, it seems that you're in a place once more where you could explore this fantasy if you wanted to, but you keep it at arms length. I think it would be healthier for both of you two talk about your emotions--not in retrospect to what happened, but where you are now. I don't think it's doing you any good to keep bottling up your thoughts like this; you could end up right where you were a year ago. And consider this: if you're having these thoughts and not sharing, what do you think is going on inside Rebecca's head?